“Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” ~ Edith Edman
Four months ago, something happened to me.
It was a very painful something — in a nutshell: I poured my life and my heart expecting something. People encouraged me, urged me on, coaxed me. There seemed to be affirmation on every side, and from God’s word.. I believed I heard God right.
Then it all fell flat.
As a result, my life right now is a tunnel. A dark tunnel of lingering and fleeing possibilities, massive hopes and dreams, but a dark tunnel nonetheless. The weight of the darkness and uncertainty presses all around me, and I struggle. Oh, how I struggle.
To be really, really honest. I want to disappear. I wish to leave. I wish to be elsewhere – out and free, to bask in the sunlight and breathe fresh air. To take flight! To have a renewed sense of purpose. Surrounded by such heavy darkness of possibilities and unrealized dreams, the temptation to succumb to despondency grows ever more frequently.
Only knowing that sunlight and freedom and purpose are at the other end of the tunnel keeps me fighting and hoping. Tunnels, no matter how dark they may seem, are finite, aren’t they?
Now I am in one. Still, could this darkness have been given for me to have a better appreciation of the sunlight?
A time will come when all this will be a memory, that I have no doubt of. I will look back on this, and my heart… my heart will quicken as it remembers the pain it had to endure, the ways it had to stretch and carry so much beyond its point.
Then I will smile, because all that pain notwithstanding, my heart had grown purer, stronger and larger. After all these testings, I know that my heart will become purer, because it will be able to look beyond its own pain and into the pain of the rest of the world.
It will be stronger, tougher, and less susceptible to break from the stings and agonies the world may bring.
It will be larger, large enough to carry burdens more worthy to be carried. His burdens.