Today I met with a UC student who is from Ghana. Or someone from Ghana who studies in UC.
How I got to meet him is actually after a series of interesting meetings, referrals and networking… efforts I exerted in my desire to find a KV from UC. We had a very good conversation, he seemed very interested in starting and leading a Christian group, he’s well connected with Filipino and other foreign students on campus, and most importantly, seems very mature and has a good grasp of the Word and the Gospel.
I left our meeting and walked along Gov. Pack road feeling a mix of excitement… Could this be it? Could I have just spoken with the next UC Key Volunteer? My KV-dar (KV radar) was up and running again.
As I turned and walked down session road, I recognized that I was also feeling doubt. Doubt at myself. Doubt at what was happening. It wasn’t just this Ghana student. This week I’ve been trying my best to network and find people I need, and I just realized… I have no idea what I’m doing.
Well, actually, I do have an inkling of what I’m doing. Just a tiny bit. And while my superiors and colleagues assure me that I’m at the right direction, I still can’t help but feel like I’m groping in the dark.
I was in the depths of my reverie when a thought filtered through me, much as a small beam of light penetrates the dark, and slowly grows stronger.
Doubt can be beautiful.
If the object of doubt is oneself, and if it pushes one to look to something or Someone stronger and surer, if it compels one to draw beyond the resources of one’s own reservoir, if it moves one to repent, if it makes one realize that the trepidation he or she feels can only be calmed in Someone else… then, doubt can be beautiful.
I say this in the context of ministry, but I believe this is true in all of life.
Doubt can be beautiful. If for no other reasons than the ones I’ve written above that we are allowed to feel doubt, then it must be necessary.